My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
