u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
