your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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