It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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