i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
