I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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