she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
