I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
