I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
