Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
