Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We are all done wearing pants today
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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