Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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