I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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