What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Everyone says I win the strip club
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
