If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
