I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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