i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
