I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
