I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You ate ashes out of my bong
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
