your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
