The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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