Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
