you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
