so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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