I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
