He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
