Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
