Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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