dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
