1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
