My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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