dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
