I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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