stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
