my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
