this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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