My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
