how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
