70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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