im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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