and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
