i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
