i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
