Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
