everyone is single if you try hard enough
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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