Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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