she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
do nipples grow back?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize