if you like me you must not know who I am
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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