I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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