my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
