shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How does one acquire holy water?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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