Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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