I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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