Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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