Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
