I think im going to throw up on grandma
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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