wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My bed smells like the plague
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
