if you like me you must not know who I am
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
