On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
