I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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