I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize