After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
