I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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