I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
