apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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