The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
