I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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